Twice Upon a Mattress: A Lifetime in the Dark
by LovelessNobodyXIII
Summary: The official sequel to the classic musical "Once Upon A Mattress"! As the Kingdom falls into darkness, it is up to Dauntless to live up to his title as the New King and bring peace back to his land. But the Darkness won't give in without a fight...
1. ACT I

TWICE UPON A MATTRESS

Written by Christopher Rangel

ACT I: A LIMERICK IN THE DARK

SCENE 1:

Dauntless awoke in the middle of the night to the sound of thunder. As he snapped into consciousness, he noticed how empty the bed was.

"Fred?" he said, as he wiped the eyes that rested in his head. "Winnifred, are you there?" He didn't hear a sound within the castle. It was quite. Too quiet. Quite too quiet for a dark and stormy night. Dauntless got out of bed and made for the door.

The castle hall was dark. Not a single candle lit, not one bit. He sighed and returned to his room, grabbing and lighting a candle. When he returned to the hallway he almost shat his pants, for the candlelight revealed the words "HOP! SKIP! JUMP!" written along the wall, all the way down the muh-fucking hall.

"Holy shit", muttered Dauntless, and he followed the words down the hall in reverse.

He opened the door to the throneroom, silent and empty.

"Hello!" Dauntless shouted. "Anyone there?" There was a gurgling sound from the direction of the throne. Dauntless stiffened, but slowly approached the throne. He cast the light on the throne, revealing King Sextimus sitting the throne, a his neck bleeding profusely from a slash wound.

"Dad?" Dauntless said with a choke. Now he knew that this shit was no joke.

"Son..." Sextimus managed to say.

"Oh, father!" cried Dauntless. Sextimus put a hand on Dauntless's shoulder and managed a chuckle.

"How cruel are the fates", said Sextimus. "A fatal throat wound, and so shortly after I regained the ability to speak!"

"Father, who did this? What is happening?!" begged Dauntless.

"I saw... your mother..." began the King.

"No..."

"But she wasn't alone. There was... a man... a man in a dark cloak."

"Do you know who he was?" asked Dauntless.

"No..." said Sextimus. "He was fucking wearing a black cloak, dickweed."

"Oh, right", said Dauntless. Sextimus started to cough, geysers of blood erupting from his mouth with each cough.

"I haven't much time left..." said Sextimus. "Where's the Princess Winnifred?"

"I don't know!" said Dauntless. "When I awoke she was gone."

Sextimus sighed, then said "So it seems, she was once upon a mattress, but she will never be twice upon the same mattress."

"What are you saying, father?"

"Never mind that..." Sextimus coughed. "That man... he cast a spell of Darkness all over the land."

"What a dick!" said Dauntless.

"I know, right?" said Sextimus. "Anyways, you gotta find him and your mother, then figure out how the fuck to lift the curse."

"Yes, father", said Dauntless.

"Here", said Sextimus, handing Dauntless his sword. "Its dangerous to go alone. Take this."

"The Green Blade of Verdepea!"

"I've... got a lot to say..." said Sextimus. "But alas, I cannot..." he holds his hands to his chest. "So falls Sextimus." (Dies)

"No! Father!" screamed Dauntless. "FATHER!"

"What the fuck?!" came a voice from the entrance of the throneroom. It was Sir Harry! "Why dost thou yell so loudly?!"

"You!" yelled Dauntless, drawing Verdepea. "Where were you?!"

"Asleep, until you fuckin' woke me up, my dude!" he had his hand on his sword. "Now put down thy sword!"

"RRRRREEEEEEEEEEEE!" shrieked Dauntless as he charged at Sir Harry. Harry sighed, then kicked Dauntless in the face when he was close enough.

"Pull yourself together, man", said Harry. "What's the matter with you?"

"Nothing much", whimpered Dauntless. "Father dead, wife missing, its just fucking "Happily Ever After" here!"

"His majesty is dead?"

"And her majesty missing."

(Music 1: Opening for a King)

HARRY: OHHHHHH, I LIKED HIM

DAUNTLESS: SO DID I

HARRY: WHYYYY

TOGETHER: WHYYY

DID OUR FAIR KING JUST HAVE TO DIE?!

Just then, the musical number was interrupted by The Minstrel, Paul McCartney, kicking open the throneroom doors.

"Why didn't you tell me you guys were to sing", said Paul, "Don't you know that's kind of my thing?!"

DAUNTLESS: We're busy mourning our fallen king!

MINSTREL: Fallen king?

HARRY: The Fallen king of which we sing!

MINSTREL: OHHHHHH, I LIKED HIM!

HARRY + DAUNTLESS: SO DID I!

MINSTREL: WHYYY

ALL: WHYYY

DID OUR FAIR KING JUST HAVE TO DIE?!

HARRY: WAS SUCH A GUY!

MINSTREL: MAKES YOU CRY!

DAUNTLESS: AND I DID!

MINSTREL: ALAS, ALAS, THE KING HAS PASSED,

WILL ANOTHER KINGDOM KICK OUR ASS?

HARRY + DAUNTLESS: THROUGHOUT THE LANDS,

THEY'LL SOIL THEIR HANDS

WITH BLOOD THAT RUNS UPON OUR SANDS (End Music)

"So what do we do now?" asked Minstrel Paul McCartney.

"We must awaken everyone within the castle", said Sir Harry.

"Right", said Dauntless. "And I'm not sure where Winnifred is, so keep an eye out for her, too!"

"Got it!" said the other two, and so they went to waking the castle.

SCENE 2:

Everyone was gathered in the throneroom, standing around the corpse of the king.

"Holy fucking shit!" said the Jester. "How the fuck did this happen!"

"I might be able to shed some light on that question", came a voice from the room's entrance. "If I could create anything but darkness!" They all turned and saw a man in a black cloak.

"Its him", said The Wizard, Cardamon. "The origin of the spell of darkness... it is coming from him." The Minstrel turned to Cardamon.

"You... you're actually magical?" asked Paul McCartney.

"Yes", said Cardamon. "Ages ago, when I went by a different name, I was one of the most powerful wizards in the world. But then I had to go into hiding, so what better way for a great wizard to hide than by pretending to be a really shit wizard?"

"What name did you go by, Cardamon?"

"My name..." began Cardamon. He slowly removed his fake-ass beard, revealing a real-ass, big gray beard beneath it. "Is Gandalf the White!" He drew his shining sword. "Begone, demon! There is no place for you here!"

"Hmph", said the man in the cloak, stopping. "Gandalf the White, coming out of hiding. Now I've seen everything."

"Stick around here long enough, and you'll never see anything ever again!" said Gandalf. Just then, the man disappeared and the darkness around the room seemed to laugh.

"No", said the Darkness. "It is you that will not see anything, once the Darkness consumes all the light in your kingdom!"

"Bastard!" said Sir Harry.

"Where is Winnifred!?" Dauntless cried. The Darkness only laughed, then fell silent.

"Oh, Harry!" cried Lady Larken. "We can't raise a child in eternal darkness!"

"I know", said Sir Harry, putting a hand on her shoulder. "That's why we're gonna kill the shit out of that Sorcerer!"

"Its been a while since I've seen magic of that power", said Gandalf. "Its almost... Final Fantasy Level. But not quite."

"Final Fantasy Level?" said Dauntless.

"Yes, one of the highest ranking magics in the entire universe. His power is slightly below that. I've got little to worry about, though. Tolkien Level Magic is the fuckin' best!" and then he raised his staff into the air and a million doves materialized in the room and flew out the windows.

"A blessing!" said Sir Studley. "Thank you, grand Wizard!"

"Anytime!" said Gandalf. Just then, there was screaming coming from the hallway.

"I thought we'd gathered everyone!" said Dauntless.

"Apparently not", said Sir Harry, keeping his hand on his sword. The door nudged open, and the head of a knight (newly dead) rolled into the room. There was a moment of silence, then the doors flew open all the way and a giant swarm of dark creatures flooded into the room.

"The Heartless", said Gandalf. He looked around and saw only regular swords, which he knew would be useless in this fight. He raised his staff into the air, and all of a sudden everyone's swords turned into giant keys.

"I have turned all your swords into Keyblades", said Gandalf. "That is the only weapon that can kill the Heartless. Now fight, you fools!" and he drew his own Keyblade.

(Music 2: "Fragment of Sorrows", from "Kingdom Hearts")

"Holy shit!" said Dauntless.

"Keep your head on straight, boy!" yelled Sir Harry as he killed five Heartless in one swing of his Keyblade.

"Alright!" said Dauntless, and he charged at one of the Heartless and slashed down. It vanished in a poof of darkness. "Hey, I did it! I killed one!"

"Good job, Dauntless!" said Harry. Then a bunch of Heartless just jumped on Dauntless. "DAMMIT DAUNTLESS!" and he ran over to help him, but before he could The Jester had already defeated those Heartless with her own Keyblade.

"Not bad for a performer", said Harry.

"Hold your tongue", said the Jester. "There's still a fight to fight!"

"Right!" said Harry, and they stood over Dauntless, fighting off the Heartless, until he was able to stand.

"Stick with us, Dauntless, and you'll be fine", said Harry.

"Yeah!" said the Jester.

"Well alrighty!" said Dauntless. "Now is where the fight really begins!"

"Look out!" yelled Paul McCartney. Just then, a giant "Darkside" Heartless knocked down one of the throneroom walls and stood watching over everyone.

"Fuck!" yelled Lady Rowan. "How the hell are we supposed to take that thing down?!"

"He's not so strong as he looks", said Gandalf. "Keep faith in thy Keyblade, and thou shalt find victory in thine strokes!" and with that he flew up into the air, floating face to face with the Darkside. The Darkside raised its fist and went to punch Gandalf out of the sky, but Gandalf blocked its blow with his Keyblade. "Foul beast, thou art no match for the likes of us!"

"ATTACK!" roared Sir Harry, and with that all the people of the castle charged the Darkside, attacking at its feet. The Darkside looked down, distracted, at the people below him, giving Gandalf the chance he needed to strike directly at its face. It had no idea what had hit it when it disappeared. Just like that, all the Heartless disappeared from the castle. Gandalf descended, and everyone gathered together again.

(End music)

Dauntless looked around. The battle had completely destroyed his castle, but the throne still stood proud at the center of the wreckage, and his father still sat upon it like a king of the dead. Dauntless approached the throne and put a hand on his father's shoulder.

"Don't worry, dad. We'll get the guy who did this." He looked at his father one last time, then returned to the crowd.

"Though our castle stands in ruins", began Gandalf, "Our hope does not. We can overcome this darkness, or I'm not Gandalf the fuckin' White!"

"Yeah!" the crowd cheered.

"Where do we go next, wizard?!"

"The solution to our predicament lies... at the Edge of the Darkness."

Sir Harry looked to Lady Larken. "You think you can handle the Edge of the Darkness?"

Larken held out her hand, materializing her Keyblade. "Fuck yeah!" (For the record, the baby also said "Fuck yeah!")

Everyone started following Gandalf away from the castle, but Dauntless saw a flung piece of debris land in front of him. Keeping his hand on his sword, he went to where the debris and been throne from, and boy was he surprised when he saw a glowing King Sextimus standing there.

"What the fuck?!" said Dauntless.

"I'm fuckin' one with The Force now, dude! I'm a fuckin' Force Ghost!" Just then Paul McCartney approached, smoking a lot of weed.

"Whoa", said Paul McCartney. He looked at King Sextimus, then looked at Dauntless, then looked at his weed, then looked back at Dauntless. "You're seeing that too, right?"

TO BE CONTINUED


	2. ACT II

TWICE UPON A MATTRESS  
Written by Christopher Rangel

ACT II: Edge of Darkness

Scene 1:  
"Here is where we shall stop" spake Gandalf, and so they did. The darkness was spread across the land, but Gandalf kept the ground around which the group passed bright with a magical light. An exhausted Dauntless collapsed to the ground.  
"Jeez!" said Dauntless, "How much further must we walk to reach the edge of the darkness?"  
"This is an epic quest!" said Gandalf. "In other words, it is still rather far off."  
"Jesus", said Dauntless. He closed his eyes.  
"Hey", said the Force Ghost of King Sextimus. "Hey!"  
"What?!" said Dauntless.  
"What?" asked the Jester.  
"Oh, nothing", said Dauntless. He decided he would rather close his eyes again.  
"Hey, get the fuck up!" said Sextimus. An irate Dauntless groaned and hoisted himself up. He made for a large rock a little way from the group.  
"Everything alright, your majesty?" asked the Jester.  
"Uh, yeah", said Dauntless. "Just gotta... take care of... man things, you know!"  
The Jester raised an eyebrow. "Alrighty then", she said, "Enjoy your 'man things'".  
"Oh I will!" said Dauntless, then he went to the rock. "What is it, ghost dad?"  
"There are some people approaching from that direction", said Sextimus, pointing in the direction they were headed. "I'm not sure what their intentions are, but you'd best be aware, boy."  
Dauntless was shaking now. "I'm sure its fine!" said Dauntless, without any confidence.  
"Be wary, my boy", said Sextimus, before fading away. Dauntless regained his wits, then decided to go the direction his dad had pointed. After peaking a hill at the edge of the light, he looked out over the darkness below. He laid down on the ground in shock once he noticed two torch lights heading his way.  
"Shit man, this darkness fucking sucks", said one of the strangers.  
"No shit", said the other one. He sighed. "Life of a mercenary!" Dauntless started freaking out as they got closer. He closed his eyes and lost complete control of his breathing. He nearly had a heart attack when he opened his eyes and saw two pairs of boots standing in front of him. He jumped to his feet with a scream.  
"Whoa!" said one of the strangers.  
"Settle down there, guy", said the other one. Dauntless was not settling down.  
"Hey, hey, its okay", said the first man, a man with long, black hair. "My name is Zack Fair, this is my friend Cloud Strife. What's your name, bud?"  
"I'm... my name is Prince Dauntless." He held out his hand, materializing his Keyblade. "And I've got a fucking Keyblade, so y'all had better stand the FUCK back!"  
"Hey, whoa whoa", said Cloud.  
"Yeah, we don't want any trouble", said Zack.  
"What the fuck is this!?" said Gandalf, who was now standing behind Dauntless. "What a minute! Cloud! Zack! Oh, how long has it been since I've seen you boys!"  
"Gandalf!" said Cloud.  
"You've come out of hiding, I see!" said Zack.  
"Yes, indeed I have", said Gandalf. He turned to Dauntless. "No need to worry about these two; they are old friends of mine!"  
"Old... friends..." said Dauntless.  
"So, you're stuck in the darkness as well, I see", said Gandalf.  
"Yeah", said Zack. "It was supposed to be an easy mission, until this shit happened."  
"Indeed", said Gandalf. "Well, we're working on it. For now, we're trying to leave this cover of darkness. Would you care to join us on our journey to the edge of the darkness?"  
"Hell yeah!" said Cloud, and so they joined the party.

SCENE 2:  
Sir Harry watched as the two muscular Animen descended from the hill with Gandalf and Dauntless. They looked to be even more jacked than he was, and he didn't like that. He stood up and made his way to where the two now stood, to the edge of the group.  
"I don't believe we've met!" said Sir Harry. "The name is Sir Harry, at your service."  
"Hello!" said Zack with a hearty handshake. "My name is Zack, and this man proud goes by the name Cloud."  
"Zack and Cloud, what a pleasure it is to meet you. I understand the darkness is something you've been through."  
"The darkness has hampered our path quite a bit, but to be frank its monsters ain't shit!" said Cloud.  
HARRY: You two seem pretty tough. Why don't we fight? You can show me your stuff!  
ZACK: Sounds like it could be fun!  
CLOUD: Yeah, but we know we've already won!  
HARRY: Gentlemen, please, the battle hasn't even begun!  
CLOUD: When it does, though, you'd better run!  
And then they all drew their swords. Harry had his standard knight sword, Zack had his Buster Sword, and Cloud had a more standard not-Buster Sword. They fought together for the next half hour, and Zack and Cloud were surprised to find that Harry had skill to match their own. Simultaneously realizing the stalemate, they sheathed their swords.  
"You're not bad", said Zack. "Maybe even a true hero!"  
"A true hero!" said Harry.  
"You're certainly evenly matched with us!" admitted Cloud.  
"We may be evenly matched", said Harry, "but let's agree that I probably have the largest penis!" Cloud and Zack looked at each other, then laughed.  
"Probably?" said Zack. "Why settle for that when we can get a definite answer?!"  
"What do you mean?" asked Harry.  
"On the count of three..." began Cloud, "we all pull our pants down."  
HARRY: What?  
CLOUD: Three...  
HARRY: Wait, really?  
ZACH: Two...  
HARRY: Welp, okay... uh, one!  
And then they all pulled their pants down. Sir Harry had a very formidable penis, but it was no match for Cloud's and Zack's MASSIVE ANIME COCKS.  
"Looks like ya lose!" said Zack. Sir Harry looked at his penis, then at the ones of Zack and Cloud.  
"How did you? What even?" stammered Harry. "There must be some sort of way to get this bigger!"  
"Oh, there is!" said Zack. He walked up to Harry, then put his hand on his dick.

(Music 3: A DELICATE THING)

HARRY: What are you doing? (Zack starts stroking Harry's cock)  
ZACK: (Singing) A PENIS IS A DELICATE THING  
DELICATE AND TAINTY AS A FAKE DIAMOND RING  
HARRY: Hey, I got Larkin a REAL diamond ring, okay?! (Cloud starts sucking his nuts) OHHHH, its getting bigger!  
CLOUD: (Singing)(While sucking nuts) YOU CAN RECOGNIZE A PENIS BY ITS ELEGANT HEAD  
ZACK + CLOUD: BUT AN ANIME PENIS... IS EXCEEDINGLY RARE! (End music)

"Arrrgh!" said Sir Harry as he busted a massive nut. Little did he know that, a little ways away, Lady Larkin had seen the entire thing from the cover of a bush, and she was fuckin' pissed!  
"I'm very confused..." said Sir Harry.  
"Don't worry", said Zack. "Its just a bro thing."  
"Yeah", said Cloud, pulling a pube from his mouth. "Just a bro thing."  
Harry stood there for a few seconds, then pulled his pants back up.  
"Harry!" hissed Lady Larkin. Harry nearly jumped out of his skin.  
"Lady Larkin! Fancy seeing you here! Well, I'm just gonna..." Harry trailed off, but then Lady Larkin materialized her Keyblade and leapt for Harry, who materialized his own and blocked her's.

(Music 4: "Rules of Nature" from Metal Gear Rising, sung by ensemble offstage)  
HARRY: Larkin, you're pregnant!  
LARKIN: No shit!  
Lady Larkin swung her Keyblade again, and once more was blocked. The had a mighty battle, with Larkin staying on the offensive and Harry on the defensive. But Harry was starting to tire out, and he wasn't sure he'd be able to pull through... (end music)  
"What the fuck?!" said Paul McCartney, as he stumbled out of a bush, joint of the weed still within his hand. "Why are you two fighting?"  
"I caught this fucking lowlife cheating on me with a couple of Animen!" exclaimed Larkin.  
"I wasn't cheating!" said Harry. "It was just a bro thing!"  
"Harry, I'm going to have a baby soon! You can't be doing things like this anymore!" said Larkin.  
"You're right", said Sir Harry. "No more bro things from now on. And no more MASSIVE ANIME COCKS"  
The Minstrel Paul McCartney shrugged. "Looks like my work here is done!"

Scene 3:  
After many more montages worth of travel, the party had found the edge of the darkness. It was darker than anything any of them had ever seen before.  
"This is it", said Gandalf. "We should be able to just mosey on through that!" Then he looked back to where they had come from and saw a massive army of Heartless standing there, with the man in the black cloak making his way towards them. He stopped right in front of Gandalf.  
"And just how far away from here do you think you'll get?" asked the man.  
"I imagine pretty far", said Gandalf.  
"Hmph", said the man. "Go on ahead. The Darkness will always be waiting for you... right here."  
"Indeed, sir", said Gandalf. He turned back to the party. "Let's go then, everyone. Coast is clear to get out!" And so everyone stepped through the wall of darkness and into the blinding sunlight outside.  
"We've made it", said Dauntless. Then he felt a pit in his stomach. "But where's Winnifred?"  
"She's back in there!" said the man in black, leaning against the dome of darkness surrounding Dauntless's kingdom.  
"You!" said Dauntless. He materialized his Keyblade and swung at the man, but the stranger materialized his own dark Keyblade to block with, then knocked Dauntless back on his ass. Dauntless noticed a circle on the back of his hand, resembling an eclipse, with the number 9 in the middle.  
"What is this?" asked Dauntless.  
"A Darksign", said the stranger. "You, and everyone who had been in your castle, save for your mother, is now bound to the Darkness. Spend too much time in the light and it will tear you apart. You'll have to come back home at some point. I'll be waiting for you, and so will your beloved Winnifred." He stepped back into the darkness.  
"Dammit", said Dauntless. "DAMMIT!" Kitchen Wench came up to Dauntless and gave him a pat on the back.  
"Don't worry, your majesty. We'll get her back."  
"Thanks, Kitchen Wench", said Dauntless. Everyone in his company gathered around him. "Alright, guys! We've got nine days to figure out what the fuck we're gonna do, then we'll storm this Dark World, beat the shit outta that cloaked asshole, rescue the Princess Winnifred, and reclaim the Kingdom in the name of light!"  
"YEEAAAHHH!" shouted the entire crowd. A little ways off, the ghost of King Sextimus watched him, smiling.

TO BE CONTINUED...


	3. ACT III

TWICE UPON A MATTRESS

Written by Christopher Rangel

ACT III: DARK BEYOND DARK

Scene 1:

Princess Winnifred awoke to find that she was in another castle. It is already unusual when someone lives a life in which they call a castle home, but to find oneself waking up in the wrong castle is altogether even more unusual. Fred wiped her eyes, shrugged, and decided she would just go along with it for now. She got out of bed and found that her slippers had been brought to this room. Lovely! She put them on and walked to the barred window. Outside the window, there was an abyss of darkness, undulating with a deep purple haze.

"Well, that's great!" Winnifred said to herself. She walked to the door and tried to open it, but alas, it was locked. She knocked on the door, saying "Hello? Anyone out there?" The door creaked open a bit, still locked by a chain, and a Toad looked through the crack. "Hello", said Fred. "Uh, where am I?"

"You're in another castle, Princess!" said the Toad.

"Right", said Winnifred. "Just wondering, what castle is this?" The Toad did not respond, but instead closed the door once more. "Well, that's dandy", she muttered. She decided it would probably be in her best interest to try and get the fuck out of there, so she looked around the room and began to formulate an escape plan. What could she use? Perhaps she could perform the classic makeshift-rope escape. There were some sheets she could use, some robes in the closet. Would that all be enough if tied together?

As she was pondering this, the door opened again. She turned to the doorway and saw the cloaked man standing there.

"Someone would like to see you. Follow me", said the man, and he turned and started walking.

"Nice to meet you!" Winnifred said. She wondered why everyone here was an asshole.

They walked down a dim hallway, with a sleek black floor beneath them. The cloaked man stopped at one room and looked in. In that room sat Psycho Mantis, seeming to be meditating. The cloaked man clenched his fist, and Psycho Mantis looked up at him. The man uncurled his fist and looked back to Winnifred. "This is not the room", he said. "Let's continue."

They carried on to the end of the hallway and walked through a pair of ornate obsidian doors. They walked through and found themselves in an office, and at the other end sat Queen Aggravain at a desk, pen in hand. She looked up and regarded the two with a scowl.

"Your majesty", said the cloaked man with a bow. Winnifred awkwardly followed suit. Aggravain beckoned for Winnifred to come closer, and so she did.

"Hey", said Winnifred. "How do you do?" Aggravain wrote on a piece of paper, then showed it to Winnifred.

The paper read, "All of your friends are dead, and soon you shall be as well".

Winnifred felt a lump in her throat. "Well that's a quality 'how-do-you-do", she said. Aggravain squinted at Winnifred, smirked, and wrote once more.

"Is that a Protajewel in your tiara?" read the paper, "That's cute. Won't change a thing, though, sweetie."

"I don't know what that's supposed to mean", said Winnifred. "But alright!" She was more convinced than ever that it was time to get the fuck out of there, but she needed the correct opportunity to do so. Aggravain nodded at the cloaked man, who led Winnifred out of the room and threw her into a dungeon filled with six other princesses.

"Alas, the seventh has arrived", said Princess Leia.

"Damn", said Princess Zelda.

"I guess its over, then", said Kairi.

"What's over?" said Winnifred. "Anyone want to tell me what's happening?"

"The end of the world", said Princess Bubblegum.

"The end of all worlds", said Princess Sarah.

"Dear oh dear", said Princess Nausicaa.

"Anyone want to explain anything to me?" asked Winnifred. "Like where we are, who that cloaked man is, and what the fuck is going on?!" Kairi approached Fred.

"I'll answer your questions", said Kairi. "Have you heard the Legend of the Fallen Half?"

"I don't think so, actually", said Winnifred, trying to remember if that was covered when Dauntless helped her study for the Princess Test.

"Many years ago", began Kairi, "A man was tossed from the highest reality of our multiverse, LOTUS CAERULEUS. His name... was Risch."

"Oh, Saint Risch!" exclaimed Winnifred.

"Yes", said Kairi. "He had grown displeased with his life, and traveled through many realities and subrealities in order to reach Lotus Caeruleus and destroy the Supreme Trio: The King, The Emperor, and The Boy. He never made it to The Boy, but tried to fight the other two and lost. He became bound to the two of them, to be used whenever they needed help keeping The Boy in check, for, he didn't know before that time, he was a part of The Boy himself, and therefore he cannot be erased from the world. Anyways, The King and The Emperor threw him from Lotus Caeruleus and he fell threw the space between realities, until he collided with the Superreality of our Universe and the other, closely tied to it. As he crashed into the fabric of our realities, he tore a hole of infinite darkness, and created a pair of black holes, one in each universe. Anyways, this palace, and the broken lands surrounding it, exist within the hole The Fallen Half had created. This is the only subreality completely hidden from Lotus Caeruleus, and so Risch kept this land open to anyone who would defy the Supreme Trio or the Lords of the Unknown Symbols. His hate for them never subsided, even though they have power over him. Now, as to who that cloaked man was, he's... he's an old friend of mine. His name is Riku. I don't know why he's doing this, but... he's gathered us seven princesses together to use our hearts to create a Keyblade of Hearts, and make that Queen, Aggravain, The Queen of Hearts.

"Well shit", said Winnifred. "That doesn't sound good."

"They can't be allowed to succeed", said Leia.

"Don't worry", said Winnifred. "They told me that my friends were all dead, that my Dauntless was dead, but I know that they're alive. I know that Dauntless will come and save me..." then she thought for a second, "actually, much as I love Dauntless, he is kind of a pussy. But I think we can stop this ourselves, ladies!"

"I mean, the possibility is there", said Princess Bubblegum, "but the chances are so slim!"

"The way I see it, they can't be any slimmer than our waistlines! We'll find a way. Now, anyone got anything to start with?"

Kairi held out a hand and materialized her Keyblade. "I've got this Keyblade", she said. "It can open any door."

"Yeah, that'll fucking come in handy", said Winnifred. She thought for a moment. "Y'all just want to go for it? I mean, I'm sure we can do a fine job just winging it. We're all capable!"

Princess Bubblegum groaned at the improbability, but ultimate shrugged and said "I'm in!" Everyone else joined suit. Princess Leia picked up a blanket and wrapped it into a tight coil, then made for the door. She knocked on the door, and it opened just wide enough.

"Hello!" said the Toad that had been guarding the door. Princess Leia managed to get the blanket-coil around the Toad's neck and spent like five minutes strangling him to death before he fell limp against the door. Kairi pointed her flowery Keyblade at the door, blasting a light from it that caused the door to open all the way. Princess Zelda tranformed into Sheik and entered the hallway. They could hear the sound of a couple brawls unfold before Sheik returned and turned back into Zelda.

"Let's go", said Winnifred.

"Hold on", said Nausicaa. She reached under her mattress and pulled out a prison shank. "I'd made this in case any of you girls got frisky!" And so they made their way to the castle hall. Sheik had successfully knocked out all of the guards in the hallway to the dungeon, and they all stood ready to face any other opponents that stood in their way. Through one of the doors they passed, Winnifred could see a room filled with eight machines. Seven of the machines seemed designed to fit a person in, and were connected by wires to the larger eighth machine. Winnifred didn't like the look of that.

The Princesses stepped through a pair of large doors and found themselves within The Castle Hall. On the far side there was a grand, curved mirror, which provided a view of the two white holes, one above and below, which led to the two universes.

"Those may be our way out", said Winnifred.

"I don't know", said Princess Bubblegum. "Wormholes are a terribly dangerous sort of thing."

"I'd rather risk it than die here!" said Princess Sarah. "Let's go!"

"Go where?" asked the cloaked man.

"Riku!" said Kairi.

"Hmph", said Riku. He pulled back his hood, revealing his deep blue eyes and long silver hair. He held out his hand and materialized his dark, sharp Keyblade. "You ladies shall go no further!" Kairi materialized her Keyblade and charged at Riku. Their Keyblades clashed and they stood face to face with each other.

"Why are you doing this?!" Kairi yelled.

"I... can't... help it!" said Riku.

"What?" said Kairi, and lost some of the focus in her grip, allowing Riku to slash her Keyblade right out of her hand. Kairi looked at Riku, but Riku bitch-slapped her to the floor.

"I was hoping it wouldn't have to come to this", said Riku. He raised his hand and a massive sphere of dark energy appeared within it. The sphere split into six smaller spheres and collided with the six conscious Princesses. They fell to the ground.

"Urf, what... what have you done?" asked Winnifred.

"Don't worry", said Riku. "It's only sleep. Only sleep..." Winnifred closed her eyes...

TO BE CONTINUED...


	4. ACT IV

TWICE UPON A MATTRESS

Written by Christopher Rangel

ACT IV: 8 DAYS IN THE LIGHT

Scene 1:

The sun was shining in Dauntless's dark-adjusted eyes. It burned like a million fires, but it was a burn he welcomed. He was standing on Normandy Beach, looking across the ocean. Behind him, Paul McCartney was playing a song on his guitar while the Minstrel danced, both entertaining everyone nearby. Farther behind him was the dome of darkness that had surrounded his kingdom. But he wasn't looking that way. Gandalf came next to Dauntless.

"I come from a land beyond the sea", said Gandalf. "A land beyond time, even!" He laughed, then showed Dauntless his wrist.

"You don't have the Darksign", said Dauntless.

"No indeed", said Gandalf. "That kind of magic doesn't work on me."

"Do you know how to cure it?" asked Dauntless. Gandalf sighed.

"Unfortunately not", he said. "I'm sorry, King Dauntless."

"Its fine", said Dauntless. "Once Fred is back, I'll be able to be happy anywhere. But for now, my soul cries, my heart screams and my mouth sighs."

"You've only got nine days out here", said Gandalf. "Possibly for the rest of your life. Use those days wisely."

"I will", said Dauntless. Gandalf nodded, and he left Dauntless on his own.

Scene 2:

Cloud slapped Harry on the shoulder, and Zack slapped him on the ass.

"Hey guys!" said Harry. "What's up?"

"You wanna see what its like being a mercenary?" asked Zack.

"Uh, not particularly..." said Harry.

"Well, you wanna spend some time with your bros Cloud Strife and Zack Fair?" asked Cloud.

"Fuck yeah!" said Harry.

"Let's go, then!" said Zack, and Harry started following them off the beach.

"Excuse me, mister", said the voice of a boy. Harry turned around and saw a boy with a teapot on his head.

"Hello!" said Harry.

"Are you Sir Harry from the Kingdom of Darkness?"

"Indeed I am!" said Harry. The boy held out a piece of paper and a pen.

"Would you mind giving me your autograph?" asked the boy.

"No problem at all!" said Harry, taking the pen and paper. "To whom am I addressing this to?"

"Greg!" said Greg. Harry looked at the boy again.

"Greg? From 'Over the Garden Wall'?" Harry asked.

"The one and only!" said Greg.

"Alrighty", said Harry. He signed the paper: "To Greg from 'Over the Garden Wall'. Keep it real, dawg! -Sir Harry S."

"Thank you so much, Sir Harry!" said Greg. Harry waved to him as he left, then caught up to Cloud and Zack.

Scene 3:

The Sun was setting, but he still sat on the beach playing his guitar. The Jester had left, and so had most of his audience, but this was all that he wanted.

"Paul?" came a Liverpudlian accent from behind him. The Minstrel Paul McCartney looked back and saw Ringo Starr coming down the beach towards him.

"Holy shit!" said Paul McCartney. He put down his guitar, got up, and ran to Ringo.

"Where have you been, my boy?" asked Ringo as they embraced in a brotherly hug.

"I got a gig in a nearby kingdom!" said Paul. "I'm the minstrel to a king!"

"Righty-fucking-ho!" said Ringo Starr. "Excellent to hear that! How is that going so far?"

"Ain't been bad!" said Paul McCartney. "Until the land was covered in darkness, that is..."

"Oh..." said Ringo. "That kingdom. Well, if it doesn't work out, John's been trying to get in contact you for a while now! He wants to get the band together! Me and Georgie are already on board, and now we're just waiting for you!"

"I would love to..." said Paul McCartney. He showed Ringo the back of his hand. "But I'm bound to the darkness of that kingdom now. I've only got nine days... well, basically eight days left out here."

"So..." stuttered Ringo.

"I'm afraid its a no..." he thought for a moment. "Where are the other boys? I'd love to see them!"

"They're across the sea", said Ringo. Paul turned to the ocean and reached out a hand.

MINSTREL: Too far away for me.

Paul McCartney brought his hand back to his side. "It was nice seeing you, Ringo", he said.

"Same to you, Paul", said Ringo, tipping his fedora. Paul McCartney laid down and watched the darkening sky.

SCENE 4:

Lady Larkin paced in her and Harry's hotel room.

"Where is that damn Harry?" she wondered. She opened a window and yelled "HARRY!" There was a knocking at her door. She opened it and in came the ladies Rowena, Merrill, Lucille, Helena, and Sarah.

"Quiet the FUCK down!" said Lady Lucille.

"Yeah, Jesus FUCK!" said Lady Merrill. "We're trying to fucking sleep, you bitchface!"

"Fuck you!" yelled Lady Rowena.

"I'm sorry!" cried Lady Larkin. "I just... have either of you seen Harry anywhere?"

"I saw him leave the beach hours ago with the two anime bois a few hours back", said Lady Helena.

"Of course he did", said Lady Larkin, falling back on onto her bed.

"What's the matter?" asked Lady Sarah.

"I thought we were in love!" said Lady Larkin. "But it turns out... I'm no match for a couple of MASSIVE ANIME COCKS."

"Don't say that!" said Lady Lucille, slapping her in the face so hard that she bled.

"WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT FOR!?" exclaimed Lady Larkin. The other ladies started restraining Lady Lucille, but she broke free and punched Lady Larkin in the face. "OW!"

"Pull yourself together!" said Lady Lucille as Lady Larkin pulled her face back together. "Maybe those Anime Bois have MASSIVE ANIME COCKS, but you've got something that neither of them have!"

"What is that?" asked Lady Larkin, wiping the blood from her nose. Lady Lucille took Larkin's hand and held it in front of her face.

"A fuckin' wedding ring, bitch!" Lucille said, pointing to Larkin's wedding ring.

"You're right!" said Lady Larkin.

"With that ring..." began Lady Rowena, "You can obliterate anyone who has cucked you over. Within the diamond of every Wedding Ring is the spell ACUCKALYPSE. If you desire it, you can easily take revenge."

"ACUCKALYPSE", echoed Lady Larkin. "I shall use this spell... wisely."

SCENE 5:

Dawn was breaking as Harry, Cloud, and Zack walked into a shady building on the outskirts of Normandy. It was a really rundown shack, but for some reason there was a really shiny and sophisticated looking elevator at the other side of the room.

"After you", said Zack to Harry, and they all entered the elevator. Cloud pushed the button "-1" and they took the elevator down a whole floor beneath the earth. When the door opened there was a desk, and behind that desk sat Sephiroth. When Sephiroth saw the trio he smiled a smile that could have killed a cat.

"I see you have accomplished your goals in a most amusing manner!" said Sephiroth. "Bringing the husband of your target back to me alive! Ha!"

"What?" said Harry. "Was this a fucking trap?!" Cloud put his finger to his lips and did a "Shh..."

"So..." began Sephiroth, "I see that all went according to plan?"

"About that..." said Zack. "Me and Cloud... we decided that it would be kind of fucked up to kill a pregnant woman, so we straight up didn't!"

"What?!" asked a pissed off Sephiroth.

"Yeah", said Cloud, "You never said that she would be pregnant! That's mad fucked up, dude!"

"You had to kill her BECAUSE she was pregnant!" exclaimed Sephiroth. "The baby she's carrying will be no good for the world! It has been told to me by a powerful seer!"

"Yeah, we don't give a fuck", said Cloud, raising his sword.

Zack nudged Harry. "Ready your sword", he said. "We're in for one hell of a fight!"

"Alright", said Harry, raising his sword as Zack raised his Buster Sword. "FOR LARKIN!" Harry yelled.

"FOR HONOR!" Yelled Zack and Cloud, and the three of them just beat the shit out of Sephiroth.

"Please!" said Sephiroth, crumpled on the floor and looking up at the three swordsmen. He looked to Harry. "Please, Sir Harry, you must understand! Your son's future is shrouded in darkness! He will be born from a mother bearing the Darksign! That much we know will come to fruition! Please, for the sake of the World, you must not do this!"

"You tried to kill my wife", said Harry. "You tried to deny my son life! For that, you shall die!" and he thrusted his sword into Sephiroth's skull. When he pulled it out, Sephiroth fell sideways onto the floor.

"Let's go!" said Harry, and they left the building. But Sephiroth stayed...

A white light filled the room, emerging from Sephiroth's chest and converging at the wound in his head. The stab wound healed, and the light returned to Sephiroth's eyes. He rubbed his head for a few moments, then sighed.

"Thanks Gandalf", he said. "I really didn't think I'd need you to cast that extra life spell on me, but because of it, I breathe yet again."

Scene 6:

The days were passing. Dauntless looked at the Darksign corrupting the back of his hand. Now it bore the number 4. Counting this sixth day, he had four days left in his life to enjoy the light. He stood on the brink of his darkened kingdom. Next to him, Gandalf was casting a spell into the darkness, trying to find Winnifred's location. They'd been standing there for an hour, and both were starting to lose hope. Finally, Gandalf brought down his staff and shook his head.

"She isn't in there", said Gandalf.

"That's not possible!" said Dauntless. "She has to be! The man in the dark cloak..."

"The man in the dark cloak was lying!" said Gandalf. "If she were in there, I would have found her! She's gone, Dauntless!"

"Try again!" said Dauntless. "Try harder!"

"I tried as hard as I fucking could!" said Gandalf.

Dauntless felt the world spinning around him. "There has to be another way!" he said. "She can't just be gone!" In rage, Dauntless materialized his Keyblade and swiped at the Darkness with a scream. As he did, some of the darkness vanished for a moment, seeming to reveal an even darker dark. Gandalf saw this, and his eyebrows raised in epiphany.

"I can't believe it!" said Gandalf.

"What?!" said Dauntless.

"There's something else here!" said Gandalf. "Something else is occupying the same space as your kingdom, Dauntless, existing in a different depth of shadow!"

"That could be where Winnifred is!" said Dauntless.

"Yes", said Gandalf. "I think that is entirely possible. I'll just need a couple days to be absolutely sure, and to figure out how to get there. To do something incorrect could be catastrophic."

"Oh, thank you Gandalf! Thank you!" said Dauntless.

"Don't mention it!" said Gandalf. "Gandalf the White, keepin' it tight!"

"Keeping it FUCKING tight!" said Dauntless.

Scene 7:

Lady Larkin walked on the beach of Normandy. The number on the back of her hand let her now she had three days left in the sun. She couldn't help but wonder if her son bore the Darksign as well. The Sun was starting to set, and she took a seat on a bench to watch the ocean devour the earth's light. Through the corner of her eye she saw The Minstrel and the Jester approach. They were trippin' balls, sharing a joint held in The Minstrel Paul McCartney's hand. Larkin waved to them.

"Holy shit!" said Paul McCartney, pointing right at her. This startled Larkin, like super crazy fucking hardcore.

"What?!" said Larkin.

"Fuckin' King Sextimus is sitting beside you!" said The Jester.

"Dude, I see him too!" said Paul McCartney.

"Dude!" said the Jester.

"What are you two going on about?" asked Larkin. The king is dead!"

"Long live the King!" laughed the Jester, and then she and Paul McCartney seemed to hug the air.

(Music 5: "The Minstrel, The Jester, and I)

MINSTREL + JESTER: WE HAVE ONLY TWO VOICES AMONG US AND YET THERE'S A THIRD VOICE, A VOICE IN DISGUISE...

Lady Larkin decided she wouldn't stay for the rest of the musical number, so she got up and started to leave.

"NO, WAIT!" yelled the Paul McCartney. "The King is trying to say something to you!"

"Really?" said Larkin. "What?"

"He's trying to say... don't lose sight of the fact that Harry loves you!"

"Huh", said Larkin as she began walking away. "As if..."

SCENE 8:

Everyone had gathered in front of the Dark Dome surrounding their kingdom.

"Are you guys sure you want to come along?" Harry asked Zack and Cloud.

"Of course!" said Zack. "You helped us with our problem. And besides, we're bros now!"

"Yeah!" said Cloud.

"Bros", said Harry, looking back to the dome with determination. Larkin stood a little ways away, watching with a scowl and caressing her Wedding Ring.

"My friends!" said Dauntless. "It is the eighth day! And on this eighth day, we shall march into the enemy's domain, save Winnifred, lift the darkness, and reclaim the kingdom!" Everyone cheered. "Our destination, however, does not lie within our kingdom, but exists within the darkest shade of shadow! There is only one way to reach this place. My friends, draw your Keyblades!" Everyone drew their Keyblades. "Now, point it to the Darkness. Good! Now, I need you to imagine a door unlocking. Do it!" Everyone imagined a door unlocking, and from all of their Keyblades emerged a bright beam of light. The lights converged on one spot in the darkness, revealing a Keyhole. On the side of the dome appeared a giant golden door.

"This is the way into the realm where Aggravain, my mother, the man in the dark cloak, and Winnifred await. There is the possibility that we're marching right into Hell, but if that place isn't Hell... no, even if it is Hell, we'll be sure to give them Hell! OPEN THE DOORS!" Gandalf raised his staff, and the doors parted, revealing the darkest darkness any of them had ever seen.

"FORWARD!" yelled Dauntless. "MAAARRCH!"

TO BE CONTINUED...


	5. ACT V

TWICE UPON A MATTRESS

Written by Christopher Rangel

ACT V: ONCE UPON YOUR DEAD BODY

Scene 1:

Queen Aggravain stepped into the chamber and looked at the machines with a smile. Six of the princesses were contained within these chambers, and Psycho Mantis was in the other room with Princess Winnifred, doing the final preparations for the final confrontation. Riku stepped into the room.

"Your majesty", said Riku, taking a knee. "Dauntless has entered The Void." Aggravain smiled, then caressed one of the machines with a finger. She nodded, held out her hand, and materialized her incomplete Keyblade of Heart.

Scene 2:

Dauntless and his crew descended the sloped pathway, going down like a hill but surrounded by dark nothingness.

"This is it, then", said Dauntless, looking at the grey castle in the distance, and seeing the black holes above and beneath it.

"Indeed", said Gandalf. "This is The Void, the world between worlds, and there lies Castle Risch, where your beloved awaits."

"And so does my mother, and the man in the dark cloak."

"Yes", said Gandalf.

They stepped onto a large, gray plain, where walked myriad dark phantoms and humanoids, phasing in and out of existence. They would regard the party with twisted grins as they passed, and some would laugh.

"Do not worry about them", said Gandalf. "They are but scarecrows. All bark and no bite."

"But what are they?" asked Kitchen Wench.

"Lost souls", said Gandalf, "who, one way or another, have ended up lost on this plain of reality and met an unfortunate end."

"Might we end up with them?" asked Harry.

"Not if we stay alive", said Gandalf. "Let's keep moving."

So they walked forward until they entered a town. The streets were empty, and as soon as they set foot onto the town, there was the sound of a hundred shutters closing. They looked around at the building, and saw eyes staring out from the corners of mostly closed windows.

In the town square was a fountain, with a statue at the center of a man with long, white hair raising a sword high into the sky. When the party approached the fountain, a dark portal appeared, and out stepped Riku, the man in the dark cloak, with his hood up.

"Congratulations!" he said. "You've managed to make it this far! But how much farther do you think you can go?"

"We'll make it to the end!" said Dauntless. "Everything will go back to the way it should be!"

"The way it should be?" Riku removed his hood, revealing to the party that he was a man with beautiful blue eyes and shiny silver hair.

"That hair!" said Lady Rowena, trying not to faint.

"Riku!" said Cloud, his fist clenched. "I can't believe you'd do this! What would Sora say if he knew?!"

"I don't give a FUCK what Sora would say!" said Riku. Another portal opened, and out stepped another Riku, who said "This is my life!" Another dark portal opened, and out stepped another Riku, who said "And this is MY DESTINY!" The three Rikus drew their dark Keyblades and raised them into the air, and beams of darkness emerged from the blades and converged in the sky. A swirling purple vortex opened above them, and out of it dropped METAL GEAR REX, but it was surrounded by a dark aura.

"That's no Metal Gear!" said Gandalf as the Rikus disappeared.

"It doesn't matter what it is", said Dauntless, drawing his Keyblade. "Its going down!" Everyone else drew their weapons and began the battle. The Possessed Metal Gear shot like a million missiles at them, but the entire army managed to dodge them. Some of the missiles hit the surrounding houses, and from an exploding house flew a child to Dauntless's feet.

"Please", said the child, "Finish me."

"What?" said Dauntless.

"That's what you came here for, right? To kill us?"

Dauntless stood still, not sure what to say to that. Then Zack came over and casted Curaga on the boy, then helped him stand up.

"You'd best get out of here, kid!" said Zack. "Shit's getting real!" The boy gave a terrified look to both Dauntless and Zack, then ran the fuck away. Zack gave Dauntless a pat on the shoulder, saying "Come on, your majesty! This war isn't going to fight itself!"

"But isn't that all that wars do?" asked Dauntless. "A war is created to contain the fights within itself, and it carries on until everyone possessed by it is dead. Even then, its essence carries on in the bloodstream of history. I..."

"Look", interrupted Zack, "Do you want to rescue Winnifred or what?"

"Right", said Dauntless, and he looked back up to the battle. Legions of Heartless had emerged onto the battlefield, and he saw his friends battling them all. The Metal Gear released its onslaught indiscriminately, aiming at Dauntless's army, tearing apart Heartless with its darkness-infused bullets, and shredding the buildings around the square, as well as the people inside. The fountain, however, remained unharmed. Dauntless saw Sir Harry and Cloud try to protect some of the people, but they couldn't save them all. The Jester and The Minstrel, Paul McCartney, fought side by side, but appeared to be tiring out.

"I think... this might be the end!" said Paul McCartney.

"Shut the fuck up!" said the Jester. "Its not the end until we stop breathing, now hold your goddamn ground!"

"Dammit, you're the most serious Jester I've ever met!" said Paul McCartney.

"Not serious", said the Jester, "But sincere. And not wanting my ass torn to pieces because my partner decided to give up!"

"Right!" said Paul McCartney. "I can't die now, because my death would mean your death, and the deaths of others as well. Dammit, LET'S GO!"

Dauntless saw all the ladies fighting in unison in one direction, and behind them the Knights fought the other side.

"Everyone's got everyone else's backs", said Zack, "So let's have each other's backs. Ready to go?"

"Yeah", said Dauntless. "Let's take down that FUCKING Metal Gear!"

"Now you're talking!" said Zack, and they charged towards the Metal Gear, slashing away the bullets and missiles it sent their way. They stopped running, and the Metal Gear, towering above them, slowly turned towards them and released a stomach curdling screech. Dauntless and Zack yelled back at it, then leapt into the air, still slashing bullets and stuff, and also slashing the Metal Gear as well, but it was doing very little damage.

"Shit", said Dauntless. "What can we do?"

Zack shook his head in dismay, but then his spirits seemed to lift, and he looked back to Dauntless. He pointed at the Keyblade, and then so did Dauntless.

"Of course!" said Dauntless, then he pointed his Keyblade at the Metal Gear. "BEGONE, DARK THOUGHTS!" he yelled, and a beam of light shot from the Keyblade. The dark aura faded away, and the Metal Gear sat dormant. Dauntless climbed into the cockpit, then yelled "COME ON!" to Zack, who also climbed into the cockpit. They ran the Metal Gear into the center of the fray and tore the Heartless forces to shreds.

"Holy shit!" said Sir Harry. "Is that my boi Zack Fair in the Metal Gear?!"

"And Dauntless, too!" said Kitchen Wench.

"HOLY FUCK!" yelled Paul McCartney as a Heartless lunged at his throat and started eating him.

"NO!" yelled the Jester, but when all seem lost the Heartless was destroyed by the Metal Gear's bullets. Paul McCartney looked to the sky, then gave a big ol' thumbs up to signify that he was A-OK.

Before long, there wasn't a single Heartless in the town. Dauntless and his party took a breather, because it had been a very tiring fight. Around the town, the doors and windows of the buildings that hadn't been destroyed started opening, and people looked out to the wreckage. A man with a beard approached Dauntless (still in the Metal Gear).

"Thank you for saving our fair town!" the man said with a Russian accent. "My name is Rasputin, the mayor of this Town of Globulite. We have been living in terror for entire days since the reign of The Silent Queen began!"

"The Silent Queen?" said Dauntless.

"Yes", said Rasputin. "Have you come to relieve her of her throne?"

"Heh, yeah", said Dauntless. "Me and her go way back. One might say that I am her son!"

"The son of The Silent Queen?!" said Rasputin. There were whispers throughout the town. "Well, if anyone can take her down, it should be you, Speaking King." He turned to the rest of the town and shouted "HAIL THE SPEAKING KING! HAIL THE SPEAKING KING!"

Scene 3:

"Of course we've had spies try and scout the Castle's exterior!" Rasputin laughed. "We've tried sending in infiltrators as well, but none of them have ever come back alive!" Everyone else at the round table, Dauntless, Gandalf, Harry, Larkin, Cloud, Zack, and Wench began glancing at each other.

"So there is a way in", said Dauntless.

"Oh there are plenty of ways in", said Rasputin. "And I'm sure The Silent Queen and her henchmen know all of them."

"But, these infiltrators you've sent in..." began Harry, "Did any of them happen to have a FUCKING METAL GEAR?" There were whispers and nods around the table. Rasputin started stroking his beard.

"No", said Rasputin. "No, none of them had a FUCKING METAL GEAR."

"Well", said Zack, "Sounds like there's one entrance that The Silent Queen doesn't know about." He looked around the table with a smile, then concluded "The entrance that we're about to create!"

Scene 4:

"And so comes Birnam Wood to Dunsinane", said Psycho Mantis. "Ah ha ha ha!"

The Queen sat silent on her throne, but one of the Rikus, the only one with his hood down, said "You say that as if this is a bad thing! No, this is where the fun shall begin. And, afterwards, the fun will only continue!" Just then a massive explosion shook the castle, and Queen Aggravain let a wicked smile creep across her face.

"Sounds like they've arrived!" said Psycho Mantis. "What shall I do, my liege?"

Riku turned around and looked at the Queen who nodded, then turned back to Psycho Mantis. "Let them come right here", said Riku, "But be sure the Princess is here as well."

"As you wish", said Psycho Mantis, and he went to fetch the Princess.

Scene 5:

SEXTIMUS: Son.

DAUNTLESS: Yes, father?

SEXTIMUS: You've got this, my boy.

DAUNTLESS: Thanks, dad.

SEXTIMUS: Now, open your eyes. Open your eyes and avenge me! Open your eyes and save the one you love! DAMMIT, OPEN YOUR EYES DAUNTLESS!

Dauntless opened his eyes. Before him stood the castle wall, and behind him his army stood at the ready.

"You ready to go?" asked Zack.

"Yeah", said Dauntless.

"You've got this, dude", said Zack, and he left the cockpit to be among the infantry. Dauntless breathed out, then pulled the missile trigger. A thousand missiles fired from Metal Gear Rex's back, and the wall crumbled down. They all charged into the castle hall, then stopped as they were met with an anticlimactic silence. They looked around, expecting a surprise attack, or really anything, but nothing came. Dauntless looked ahead to a large, pitch black hallway.

"That must be the way to the throneroom", he said, and he started moving the Metal Gear forward. Then three cloaked figures walked out of the darkness. The three Rikus. Everyone stood at the ready, preparing for a fight. The center Riku removed his hood, revealing that he was indeed Riku.

"This needn't be a battle", said the Riku. "Things can still be brought to a peaceful conclusion."

"Yeah FUCKING right!" shouted Harry, and there was an ensemble of "Yeah"s from the army.

"Yeah, why should I trust you?" asked Dauntless.

"Please", said Riku. "Your mother would just like a word with you."

"Nice try", said Dauntless, "But she can't speak."

"But can she not write?" implored Riku. After a moment, Dauntless nodded, then exited the Metal Gear.

"Your highness!" said Harry.

"Sir Harry", said Dauntless. "If things don't go well, I want you to pilot REX."

"As... as your majesty wishes", Sir Harry said with a bow. Dauntless nodded, then turned to the rest of his army, the rest of his kingdom.

"Everyone!" said Dauntless. "You've... you've all just been great! Thank you all so much!" Everyone stood there solemnly, and Dauntless turned towards the dark hallway. "May we all meet again!" He followed the Rikus through the darkness.

Scene 6:

Dauntless stood at the bottom of the white staircase, on top of which sat Queen Aggravain on her obsidian throne.

"Hey mom", said Dauntless. Aggravain nodded in response, and in the following silence Dauntless looked around uncomfortably. "Uh, so what do you want to, erm... talk about?" The Queen looked to the left side of the room and nodded. Once Dauntless heard footsteps coming from that side, he also looked that way.

"Winnifred!" he shouted, as he saw Winnifred being led into the room by the three Rikus. She seemed to be trying to ignore him.

"Fred!" called Dauntless. "Don't worry, Fred, we're getting out of here!"

Winnifred finally looked at him, then rolled her eyes, gave a "Pfft", and wrapped her arms around the central Riku, who gave Dauntless an evil smile.

"Winnifred?" Dauntless stammered. "I... I don't... Un... I..."

"You've made it all this way for nothing!" said Riku.

"But..." began Dauntless.

"I was never kidnapped", Winnifred said, turning to Dauntless with a devious smile. She turned back to Riku. "When I saw this beautiful man sitting at our windowsill, the moon shining behind him, and he asking if I'd run away with him, how could I say no?" She leaned in for a kiss, then turned back to Dauntless. "And besides, he's got something you don't have."

"Something I..." Dauntless tried to speak.

"Do you want to know what it is?" asked Winnifred. "A MASSIVE... ANIME... COCK". Then the other two Rikus removed their hoods. "Three, actually!"

(Music 6: "Once Upon Your Dead Body" (Music and Lyrics by COHEED AND CAMBRIA)

RIKU #1: IF HELLO COULD ONLY DROP ITS "O"

RIKU #2: AND IT STAYED IN THE FRONT DOOR'S WAY

ALL RIKUS: OF YOUR HOME, WOULD YOU LIVE THERE STILL?

DAUNTLESS: COULD THAT MAKE YOU EVERYTHING I HATE... WAIT

RIKU #3: DO YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU DID IT?

DAUNTLESS: NO, I DON'T

RIKU #1: DO YOU REMEMBER WHY SHE LEFT?

DAUNTLESS: NO

WINNIFRED: I HOPE YOU DIE RIGHT NOW, WILL YOU DRINK MY CHEMICAL?

DAUNTLESS: IS THERE PRICE TO BURN THIS PARADISE?

WHERE YOU LEFT ALL PARTS THAT HURT TO MEND.

IF I DON'T STAY AWAKE

WILL SHE COME HERE AGAIN?

FOR MY WISH OF ONLY ONE LAST KISS.

DO YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU DID IT?

WINNIFRED: (Real self cracking through) NO, I DON'T

RIKU #1: DO YOU REMEMBER WHY SHE LEFT?

RIKU #2: DO YOU REMEMBER WHY YOU DID IT?

DAUNTLESS: NO, I DON'T

RIKU # 3: DO YOU REMEMBER WHY SHE LEFT?

DAUNTLESS: NO.

WINNIFRED: I HOPE YOU DIE RIGHT NOW, WILL YOU DRINK MY CHEMICAL?

DAUNTLESS: NO!

WINNIFRED: AND IF YOU CRY OUT LOUD IT'LL ONLY MAKE ME FEEL TOO GOOD!

DAUNTLESS: NO!

WINNIFRED: I HOPE YOU DIE RIGHT NOW, WILL YOU DRINK MY CHEMICAL?

DAUNTLESS: NOOOOOO!

WINNIFRED: AND IF YOU CRY OUT LOUD IT'LL ONLY MAKE ME FEEL TOO GOOD!

DAUNTLESS: ...

CHOIR OF RIKUS: ONCE UPON YOUR...

ONCE UPON YOUR...

ONCE UPON YOUR DEAD BODY!

ONCE UPON YOUR...

ONCE UPON YOUR...

ONCE UPON YOUR DEAD BODY!

(End music)

Dauntless fell to the floor, and not a word would leave his mouth.

"He can't say a word!" said the central Riku.

"And we didn't even need to cast a spell!" said the Riku to the left.

"Well, let's finish this", said the third Riku, and they materialized their Keyblades and made for the fallen Prince. They lifted their Keyblades as one and brought them down to smite Dauntless, but they all clanged against an invisible force.

"MOTHERFUCKERS!" Gandalf's voice boomed through the throneroom. Queen Aggravain scowled and looked around, then Gandalf uninvisibled himself behind Dauntless. "Did you really think I'd let Dauntless come here alone?"

The Rikus clenched all six of their fists and said "Gandalf..."

Gandalf took Dauntless's hand. "Pull yourself together, boy", he said. "I'm quite afraid that this means war!"

Scene 7:

Paul McCartney and The Jester were smoking weed inside of Metal Gear Rex, and because of that they were also aware that the spirit of King Sextimus was also in the cockpit.

"Are all the preparations ready for the Ghost Protocol?" asked Paul McCartney.

The Jester coughed because of the smoke and pushed a final button. "Yep".

"Good", said Sextimus. He looked out the cockpit. "Because it looks like things went to shit!"

Paul McCartney and The Jester looked outside as well and saw countless Heartless beginning to form. "Shit!" they said.

"It's like the old saying goes", said Sextimus. "PUT ME IN, COACH!" Paul McCartney and The Jester both pushed the big red button and the Spirit of Sextimus screamed in joy before being pulled into the machine. The Metal Gear shook very violently, then a brilliant red cape emerged from its back and a crown materialized on its head.

"BEHOLD!" A digitized similitude to the voice of King Sextimus roared from the Metal Gear. "METAL GEAR REXTIMUS!"

"LONG LIVE THE KING!" Roared Dauntless's army.

"FUCKING RIGHT!" Roared Metal Gear Rextimus as it unleashed a volley of missiles from its arsenal, decimating the Heartless forces.

"What the FUCK is going on back here?!" came the voice of Riku as two of the Rikus made their way into the castle hall, Keyblades drawn.

"What's going on back here?!" echoed Harry. "WAR, THAT'S FUCKING WHAT!" The rest of the army cheered behind him.

"Hmph", said the Riku on the left.

"So be it!" said the Riku on the right, and they lunged into the army Keyblades first.

Scene 8:

Gandalf had gotten Dauntless back on his feet, but he was still in a daze. Gandalf looked Riku straight in the eyes and laughed.

"Is everything going as you wanted it to, Riku?" Gandalf raised an eyebrow. "Or, should I say, AGGRAVAIN?!"

Riku smirked. "So, you've figured it out then?" he said, and Psycho Mantis uninvisibled himself, revealing that he was floating behind Riku.

"It took me a little while, but eventually I put the pieces together, for, Aggravain, I have met all of the pieces in your plot that you're using, except for you..."

"Psycho Mantis", said Psycho Mantis.

"Psycho Mantis!" echoed Gandalf. "Pleasure to meet you. Now, tell me, are you a LotUS?"

"No", said Psycho Mantis, "I am but a disciple of the LotUS of Sanity."

"Oh, good!" said Gandalf, laughing. "For a second I thought we were in trouble!" he punched Dauntless in the side. "Pull yourself together, lad! This has all been a trick! Winnifred still loves you, she's just being manipulated by that psychic!"

"How can I go on..." said Dauntless, "when I've spent even a few minutes in a world where Fred left me to die." Gandalf slapped Dauntless in the face, knocking him to the floor.

"It was a fantasy, boy! Now, fight this fight before that fantasy truly becomes reality!"

Dauntless started picking himself up off of the floor. "You..." he said. He stumbled, but materialized his Keyblade to support himself and continue standing back up. "You three fucks!" he said. "You especially", he said, pointing at Psycho Mantis. "You've been messing with their minds! You've made a plaything out of Winnifred's brain!"

"Ha ha ha ha!" said Psycho Mantis. "And this has been so much fun! She wasn't easy to break, though. We had to bring her near the brink of death so that I could manipulate her, and all under the guise of punishment for her trying to escape!"

"You monster!" hissed Dauntless.

"As for the boy..." began Psycho Mantis, "His will was unbreakable, even when brought to the brink of death. He had already mastered keeping control of his Darkness, which is a very difficult thing to do, so I had to cut his Will into three different pieces. But a curious thing happened when I did this; from his broken will, two more Rikus emerged! I hadn't expected that at all, but nonetheless that meant two extra henchmen! After that happened, I was able to connect a psychic feed from Aggravain's consciousness to the Original Riku, thus making him the new Voice of the Queen!"

"You make me sick", said Dauntless.

"I'm only doing my job!" said Psycho Mantis. "The job your mother hired me for!" Riku smiled an identical smile to the smile that crept across Aggravain's face.

An enraged Dauntless got into his battle position. "Well", said Dauntless, "Prepare to face your unemployment then!"

Gandalf smiled. Knowing his work here was done, he made his way back to the castle hall to help with the battle there.

Scene 9:

"Shit!" said Lady Larkin, as she was backed into the armory. Somehow she'd gotten engaged in one on one combat with one of the Rikus.

"What's the matter?" asked the Riku. He lashed out with the Keyblade, and she blocked.

"You're the matter!" retorted Larkin, striking back only to be blocked. They dueled in there for a while, but while Larkin started tiring out, Riku seemed only to get stronger.

"How is this possible?" asked Larkin. "Your strength... its inhuman!"

"That's because I'm not human!" said Riku. "I'm a remnant! I'm made of pure Willpower!" He striked at her again, and her block was weaker than her others had been.

"Hey, mister!" came Zack's voice from the doorway. "What's the big deal?!"

"You..." began Riku, but he was smashed into the floor by the giant mass of Zack's Buster Sword.

"I've never seen... such Willpower", the Riku said before vaporizing in wisps of darkness.

"Come on!" Zack said, extending a hand to Larkin.

At first Larkin felt grateful for Zack, but then darker thoughts beyond her control started creeping their way into her head.

"This is the man your husband loves more than you!"

"You'll never have a MASSIVE ANIME COCK like his!"

"Harry loved you until he met Zack!"

"Within the diamond of every Wedding Ring is the spell..."

"ACUCKALYPSE!" Larkin yelled, extending her fist towards Zack. An immense white beam shot from her Wedding Ring and went right through Zack's chest, leaving a gaping hole there. Zack's mouth dropped in surprise. He looked down to the hole in his chest, then back to Larkin. He fell against the wall. Dead. A moment later that black wisps of Riku's will that she had inhaled were exhaled from her mouth.

"Larkin!" came the voice of Gandalf. He entered the armory. "Ah, there you are Larkin. I need to WHAT THE FUCK?!" He noticed Zack's corpse against the wall, then saw the smoke rising from Larkin's wedding ring.

"You..." began Gandalf.

"I didn't mean to", said Larkin, starting to cry. Her hand fell to the floor as Cloud walked in, immediately seeing Zack.

"No!" He looked to Gandalf, then to Larkin. "What... What the fuck happened?!"

"Riku killed him", Gandalf said with a blank expression. He looked into Cloud's eyes. "Dark Firaga. But... Larkin avenged your friend. Killed him." A crying Cloud looked at Larkin, who nodded.

"Not to worry, though", said Gandalf. "I can bring him to The Wellspring of Ancient Knowledge. I'll give him the right incantation, let his body sink into its waters, and, once the time is right, his soul will return to his body and he'll live again. If you're still alive, you'll see him once again!"

Cloud wiped the tears from his eyes. "Don't worry, pal", he said. "We'll meet again!"

(Music 7: "We'll meet again" by Vera Lynn)

CLOUD: We'll meet again,

Don't know where, don't know when

But I know we'll meet again some sunny day!

(End music)

Gandalf picked up Zack's Buster Sword and handed it to Cloud. "Here", said Gandalf. "He'd want you to have this. Be his living legacy!"

"Right!" said Cloud, keeping the blade.

Gandalf picked up Cloud's body. "I trust I'm leaving this battle in capable hands!" he said. He looked to Larkin. "We'll meet again..."

Scene 10:

The battle in the castle hall was unfolding splendidly for Dauntless's army. The Heartless forces were melting away, and Riku was on the defensive.

"Sir Harry!" yelled Metal Gear Rextimus.

"Your majesty!" said Harry.

"I'm detecting some hearts of pure light from that room over there! Go check it out!"

"Yes sir!" Harry yelled, and he went into the room filled with machines keeping the princesses captive.

"Shit", said Harry, and he hit the button that released them. The Princesses Leia, Zelda, Kairi, Bubblegum, Sarah, and Nausicaa all stepped out into the room.

"Don't hurt Riku", said Kairi. "That Psycho Mantis is using him as a puppet!"

"Don't worry!" said Sir Harry. "We'll break this 'Psycho Mantis''s spell and save your friend!" Just then Metal Gear Rextimus squashed the Riku underneath his foot.

"Riku!" cried Kairi.

"Uh, don't worry!" said Harry. "That was a fake!" he looked around for a second. "Uhh..."

Scene 11:

Dauntless and Riku faced each other at the bottom of the staircase.

"Finally", said Riku. "This is where it..." just then, the dark remains from the two fallen Riku Remnants drifted into the room and seemed to burn themselves into Riku's skin. Riku screamed in agony, then looked back to Dauntless with surprising clarity in his eyes. Riku smiled and gave a wink to Dauntless, then turned around and stabbed Psycho Mantis in the chest.

"IMPOSSIBLE!" Yelled Psycho Mantis.

"I'm free, bastard", said Riku. "My will has returned to me! You won't be fucking around with anyone's heads ever again!"

"My master..." began Psycho Mantis, "The LotUS of Sanity will know about this, and he will kill you!"

"Not if I kill him first!" said Riku. He pulled his Keyblade out of Psycho Mantis, then lopped off his head.

"Dauntless?" said Winnifred.

"Fred!" said Dauntless. They embraced, neither of them ever wanting to let go.

"Uh, guys?" said Riku. Winnifred and Dauntless ended their embrace, then looked up to Queen Aggravain. Her Keyblade was drawn, and she floated up into the air, then suddenly flew backwards, smashing through the glass window and waiting in the space between the two white holes.

"Looks like its time to finish this", said Winnifred.

"Here", said Dauntless, handing Winnifred the sword Sextimus had given him, Verdepea. "You'll need a sword."

"Right", said Winnifred.

"Let's go!" said Riku, and they ascended the staircase.

Stepping out of the broken window, it was actually possible to walk on the air due to the gravity distortions caused by the two white holes. In the dark space, Dauntless, Winnifred, and Riku faced Queen Aggravain.

"Imbeciles!" Aggravain's voice echoed through the space.

"She's speaking!" said Winnifred.

"But how?" said Dauntless.

"In this space, realities flicker in and out of tangibility", came Aggravain's voice. "This is the voice of an Aggravain who can speak!"

"Why did you do it?!" cried Dauntless. "Why did you kill father?!"

"Oh, he was such a disgusting pig of a man!" said Aggravain. "I kept him alive in silence for my amusement, but once Cardamon... Gandalf's spell reversed, and I lost all the power I had, I had no choice but to slaughter him. I had no use for him! And now you, as it turns out, are a terrible son yourself! Confronting your mother like this, sword drawn... Are you here to commit matricide, my dear?"

"I'm here to do whatever needs to be done", said Dauntless.

"Very well!" said Aggravain. "BURN IN THE FLAMES OF A MILLION UNIVERSES!" She materialized her Keyblade of Heart, and when she did countless other identical phantom Keyblades appeared around her.

"Shit!" said Dauntless.

"Son!" Boomed the voice of Sextimus.

"Father?" said Dauntless. He turned around and saw Metal Gear Rextimus standing there, the rest of the army behind him.

"Your majesty!" said Sir Harry. "We will ever stay by your side!"

"You guys!" said Dauntless. He turned back to his mother. "We're not going down without a fight!" and he and his army surged forward. Everyone else fended off the phantom Keyblades, but Dauntless duelled one on one with Aggravain.

"I can't believe it!" said Aggravain. "You're really fighting me!"

"I'm defending myself!" said Dauntless. "You may have gone too far, but its not too late to come back!"

"Hmph!" said Aggravain, releasing a wave of attacks. One of them knicked Dauntless in the shoulder.

"I don't want to fight you!" yelled Dauntless.

"You haven't a choice, my dear!" she said, and she casted Aeroga on him, sending him flying backwards. Dauntless was caught in a gravitational riptide, starting to be dragged into the lower white hole.

"Farewell, sweetie", said Aggravain, standing above Dauntless. Dauntless looked down into the white hole and saw a million different Universes flickering within its light. Then he managed to focus in on a single Universe, one that he'd only heard about in storybooks. Perhaps it was created in his head because Aggravain had read those stories in the first place.

"Wonderland", said Dauntless. Then he clung onto the solid gravity with one hand, and grabbed Aggravain's ankle with the other.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!" roared the voices of a million Aggravains.

"Farewell, mother", said Dauntless, and he pulled Aggravain off of her feet and let her fall into the white hole. He pulled himself back up and looked down. Aggravain landed harmlessly on the grass and was met by a white rabbit. The rabbit placed a new crown on her head and led her to her new throne.

"Of course", said Dauntless. "The Queen of Hearts!" He looked back to the battlefield. All of the phantom Keyblades disappeared, and all of his people looked to him.

"The war is won!" said Dauntless. "Let's go home!"

Scene 12: Happily Ever After

The curse was never lifted. It couldn't be. Every atom within Dauntless's kingdom had been infused with darkness, and everyone branded with the Darksign was bound to that place. But still, love abounded, so things weren't all bad. Dauntless and Winnifred reigned over the dark lands with kindness, and so what was intended as a prison ended up being a haven for these people.

IN THE (REBUILT) THRONEROOM:

Dauntless and Winnifred sat on the two thrones, and everyone who had fought in the war gathered around them. Nearby, to the right, Harry and Larkin solemnly held hands. Harry was still shaken from the news of Zack's death. Larkin turned to him, sadness and guilt welling in her eyes.

"It was... more than a bro thing, wasn't it", she said.

"Yeah", Harry struggled to say. He laughed a little. "I'm sorry."

"No", said Larkin, "I'm sorry." They engaged in a close embrace; Harry put a hand on Larkin's extended, pregnant belly and, overcome with powerful emotion, gave her a passionate kiss.

"Friends!" said Dauntless. "Today we celebrate our victories, remember our losses, and bask in the life that we've kept living! We faced impossible odds, and while there were losses, all of us, here, today, stand as monuments to a kingdom that will never die! On this day that we commemorate the completion of New Sextimus Castle, we commemorate another day that we've kept alive. Every battle that any of us win is miracle! Any personal victory that brings us joy is a miracle! God dammit, every morning we wake up still breathing is a fucking miracle! And life itself, GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, is a miracle! We've all given one life, and that's all we've got to live. And I know that, God Dammit, I'll live my fucking life, even if it FUCKING kills me! And so should you all!" Everyone in the throneroom cheered for what felt like an eternity. Surrounded in that sphere of noise, Dauntless turned to Winnifred, and she looked back at him.

"We did it", said Dauntless.

"Yeah, we did", said Winnifred. They both leaned towards each other and, finally, kissed. The first kiss of their happily ever after. And nobody cheered as loud as Metal Gear Rextimus in the history of the universe.

THE E-*^&^^%$

Scene 13: The Pr&^%*&^$

%^%&*%$%#^%&*^$

ON THE FALLEN LEAVES OF AUTUMN

Written by Christopher Rangel

PROLOGUE: THE PROPHECY

Lady Larkin and Sir Harry sat in their room, their child resting in Larkin's arms.

"Do you have a name yet?" asked Larkin. "Its your turn to come up with one. The baby is impatient! It doesn't want to spend too much more of its life without a name!"

"I know, I know!" said Harry. "Well, it... I'm sorry, he already rejected the name Zack. Let's see..." he thought back to the boy who wanted his autograph back on Normandy beach. "Greg", said Sir Harry. "How about that? Do you like the name 'Gregory', little man?" the baby laughed at that.

"Gregory Stapleton", said Larkin. "That's a nice name! Sounds like a worthy heir to the mighty Sir Harry Stapleton!"

"Ah, yes indeed!" said Harry. "Welcome to the world, young Gregory Stapleton!"

Gregory Stapleton laughed and looked around at the still new and exciting world.

"Sir Harry", came a voice from the doorway.

"Gandalf!" said Sir Harry.

"Sir Harry, may I speak with your wife alone?"

"Oh..." Harry looked at his wife and child. "Certainly", he said and left the room. Gandalf took a seat next to Lady Larkin.

"That child", began Gandalf, "His future is shrouded in darkness, I'm afraid. I have seen it since he was first conceived. Born from a mother baring the Darksign, and who inhaled pure Dark Will and killed an innocent while carrying him. These are bad omens indeed, Larkin."

"He'll live the life he's meant to live", said Lady Larkin.

"And if he brings destruction and ruin?" asked Gandalf.

"So be it."

"Hm..." Gandalf hummed thoughtfully. He sighed and shook his head. "Well, I'm afraid I have no argument to counter that", he laughed.

"Good!" said Larkin. "Are we done here?"

"Nearly", said Gandalf. "First, there's something I must tell you; a vision I've received from the Unborn God, a prophecy." Gandalf cleared his throat, "On the fallen leaves of Autumn rise the first cold flames of Winter. But Winter leaves like a son in a parade, and in the barren soil left behind, Spring flowers blossom like the crimson tears of my heart, then grow, mature, and thrive within the mothering warmth of Summer light, only, in the end, to wither, lie, and die on the fallen leaves of Autumn." He looked at Larkin, then Gregory Stapleton. "I'm not sure why I was chosen to bare this message, but I believe that your son is The Autumn Leaf I saw, drifting throughout all the seasons and spreading its decay. I'm sure, in the days to come, the other symbols, The Winter Son, The Spring Flower, The Summer Light, will all be revealed. Yes, I'm sure of it."

"Why are you telling me this?" asked Larkin.

"Because", began Gandalf, "I fear that I won't even make it past the Winter, and somebody needs to know this. I know that these words need to stay remembered to the end for the cycle to continue."

"The cycle?"

"Yes", said Gandalf. "I'm sure that's signified in the vision. Positive. Our time is... sort of... a circular photograph, and they're hinged on these words. When the cycle completes, we'll all be born again as we were supposed to. If they're ever forgotten... who knows what will happen." He looked Larkin in the eyes. "Make sure these words are remembered."

"I will", said Larkin, committing them to memory.

"Now", said Gandalf. "You know that your son does not have to live a lifetime in the darkness. He doesn't bear the Darksign."

"Yes", said Larkin, "What are you..."

"Put him up for adoption", said Gandalf. "Maybe... if he's exposed to the light, his life won't unfold the way I think it will. For even if he doesn't cause too much destruction in his life, with that aura, who knows what he'd be capable of in death. I'm sorry, I know this must be hard for you to hear, but..."

"No", said Larkin, looking to Gregory Stapleton. "You're right. He should be allowed to see the light. Just let us have a little time with him."

"Of course", said Gandalf. "And who knows; maybe some day he'll return to you! I feel like..." Gandalf put his hand on Gregory Stapleton's forehead and a white light shone, "he won't forget this place."

Gregory Stapleton laughed, and G^&*%$%$#&%^$

%$%#%^&^*&^*&^%^$^%

*&(*^*^^%&^-ND

EPILOGUE: A LIFETIME IN THE LIGHT

Solid Snake and Meryl stepped into the adoption center.

"I'm still not sure I even want some smelly kid to take care of", said Snake.

"Enough", said Meryl. "You'll love it. Every time your drunk you can't stop talking about how you wish you could have kids!"

"Pfft, no I don't", said Snake, taking a puff of his cigarette. "And even if I do... I mean, I'm fucking drunk!"

"Of course", said Meryl. She picked up a baby. "What do you think of this one?"

"Jesus fucking Christ he's adorable!" said Solid Snake.

"Oh, him", said Nurse Rory (from Doctor Who). "Yeah, he just came in recently, old wizard-like guy dropped him off. Says his name is Gregory Stapleton; comes from... ah, you know that kingdom that was covered in darkness? Yeah, that place. Said his folks wanted him to live in the sunlight, so they had to give him up to give him that chance."

Solid Snake looked deeply into young Gregory Stapleton's eyes. "We would like to make an adoption."

ABSOLUTELY CURTAINS


End file.
